I want to go.

God... I wish I could move out soon. Far, far away. I want to start anew, far from all of this "crushing expectations".

I live by myself, but it feels like I still get dictated to do this and this and this and this.

And I work by myself tho. I know I didn't earn that much, and I have huge debt at this time, but do I have to be crushed like this mentally every day? Do I really have to hear that your job is useless and not useful at all? Do I really have to hear "Ga usah lah kerja itu, ga ada juga yang nonton". "Mending jual aja alat kerja tu, cari kerja yang lain". Like... Why tho? You guys are supposed to be a place for me to come home. For me to seek reassurance. But why do I have to hear this when I'm tired from working? When I just want to rest and close my eyes for a while? Why tho? Do I have to blame you guys for choosing my study back then? For choosing my way of life back then?

"Kapan kayanya?"

"Ga kaya-kaya"

"Mending ga usah kerja itu"

Capek.

I just got my own identity again after all these years, have built it up, and have been trying my best to maintain it. And now, I have to throw everything away? Why can't I be myself?

At this time, I am just hoping there is a miracle — which I know, probably too naive to hope for, which I have done for months already — where my life turned 180, so I can move out far-far-far-far away from this city, and live anew, with all of my works, and cats. With no expectations from them, I don't have to hear all of these mentally crushing words and more.